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The Revenant : Plot Holes

This movie is a good anti guide on how to survive in the wild. It is also about a couple of super humans surviving in the wild.

A brutish neglect for detail must be signature feature of blockbusters. Maybe it has something to do with the target group, which means they left a bunch of trash for me which most would simply enjoy.

The movie plot is bouncily good with nice scenes beautifully shot in awesome mountain spots. The story credibility, however, is seriously challenging at a times, and at other times no different than that of Toy Story 2 or Under Siege with Seven Segal. But let me bring you the straight how-to guide of The Revenant, you be the judge.

How to know when to get suspicious

hardy

 

With the main dude gone, the rest of the bunch gradually started doing whatever. After Tom Hardy killed Leo’s son, the young boy that rolls with Hardy suddenly becomes suspicious of Hardy going to the creek to grab some water.

I know from experience, that being in the cold-as-fuck wilderness with little help, food or shelter, water is always needed, and there’s always not enough of it. H2O happens to be one of such essential ingredients, similar to red pepper and jalapenos, that is times better over-stocked than nonexistent. Howeverly, in he mind of the young lad, Hardy’s decision to go take a piss near the river is cause for major concern. Easy there, Holmes, I wish you had more evidence or reason to be jumpy.

How to survive a frost river ride

freezing-river

After surviving Leo has been tossed around in the freezing waters of a river for what seems to be quite a long time, he gets out and makes a fire (with soaking wet shit apparently). Alright, let’s assume, for the fuck of science, that he had a waterproof stash or something. But what about the primitive stone trap near the bank intended to luring fish into it. For which he must have spent another 20-30 min in the water? In near freezing temperature?

What’s annoying is that he goes in and out the river with his fucking attire. Have you ever tried to dry a bear fur after completely soaking it? Just try it. It takes days under the sun. Even a solid campfire won’t do the trick. I saw none of these factors backed up with footage or narrative… And then I came onto this thought: Surviving the proper way is boring. Why else characters would do things that, if you do them in such dire conditions, you are effectively diminishing your survival chance. So heroes do the slight opposite. They dip their bottoms into the cold ice, they lick the icicle, they suck… ok, I get it.

And I won’t even trouble mentioning the bear scars. Forget everything about the bear scars.

How to make a fire during a blizzard

blizcon

Leo bumps into a random native encounter who shared the buffalo corpse he was dragging around. They stop and rest in the middle of the worst possible — maybe except the wooldless plain — place and decide they were going to make a fire. The native, a sore representative of the tribe who supposedly survived using this technique for thousands of years, is holding the tinder bundle in his clutched hands, and even blows into the spark to make the fire going. Which would make a lot of sense, if it wasn’t the fucking blizzard already doing that same thing with tenfold the power!

Also, the native shops down live trees instead of gathering the dry-wood scattered around. Please try making a fire with live branches in the winter, I dare you. A freshly chopped tree would be a terrible source of fire, unless you have a witch-burning piece going. Bear Grylls throws his laptop off a cliff after reaching to this part of the movie..

How to make water from ice

winter-water

Only a rookie will get water the way shown in the image above. What a straight native woman would do is fill buckets with clean snow and stock then in a room or anywhere where temperature is above the freezing point.

How to use navigation markers in the wild

When both men chasing Tom in the open, at some point they stop in the middle of nowhere and Leo says “Meet me back in here”. With no map (or satellite navigation), getting back to a previous location is possible by using land marks like big trees, or a rock; basically anything that looks out of place. Instead, there is this:

forest-gps

I’m sorry, maybe I need a 360 view of that shot to know for sure. I bet there is something huge, right behind the camera. A huge mountain, maybe.

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